Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
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Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED