Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
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Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
These 3D printers are insane!
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.