A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
You Might Also Like
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Sell your car
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I see your IQ test came back negative
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
my nickname in college
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.