[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
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other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …