[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
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Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
🤔😂😂
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?