Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
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Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
This is the best one I’ve seen
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward