A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.