[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
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Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!