Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
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Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE