Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Cake!!
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not