I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
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[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate