At least he brought enough for everyone
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Welcome to the stomach
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess