If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
You Might Also Like
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late