me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
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7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
a god among men
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.