Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
You Might Also Like
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
And that about sums it up.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Just why bro?!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…