[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
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Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.