[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
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I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Meat Cute
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard