god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
inventing words: clothing
Shoo shoo! 😂
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.