[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
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Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.