Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
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You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.