Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
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If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”