Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
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My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”