i prefer mine room temperature.
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*