Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
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Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.