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My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
This is a bad idea on so many levels.