[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
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maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
What an awful time to have common sense.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese