Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.