Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
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Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN