Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
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6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub