Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
🤣
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’