Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
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Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”