i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I feel seen.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
How to properly lift a body
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro