I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
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I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.