[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
everyone’s a critic
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape