one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
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*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Lmfaoooooo
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Follow me for more life hacks.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there