carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
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my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”