Barbie gone wild
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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Comparing yourself to others
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.