Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
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Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I wish this was real life…
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB