“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat