I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
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Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Morning my dudes.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada