Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
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Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*