Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
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It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands