PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Come back with a warrant
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine