[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
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The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table