Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
You Might Also Like
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk