Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
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reminder
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.