My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.