So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
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Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
me irl
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.