COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
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[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.