Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Cucumbers Anonymous
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree